im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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