Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
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