I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I wear drunk well.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
