saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
