I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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