i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
