im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
