I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
