while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
