I'm so fucking centered right now
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
