a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
