Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
