did you get engaged???
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
