She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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