I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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