my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
