2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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