dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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