i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
