In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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