Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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