did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
