Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Randomize
