walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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