I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
