Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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