I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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