You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
