you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
