I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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