Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
