apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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