3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize