Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
