I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
