2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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