Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
