Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
