nutella sex= disaster
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Drake has all the answers
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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