I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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