don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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