There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
as a side note pls kill me
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
