I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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