Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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