Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
