can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Randomize
