just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
