i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
