youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
