she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
